The room seems diffuse. There is plenty of smoke yet such a clean air than infiltrates in my lungs. A weird stomach ache blasts suddenly accompanied by my daily dose of dizziness. Lately I have been searching through my mental abyss for repressed thoughts. It seems that they were spread all over my subconscious… perhaps my actions determined such event. Hopefully the light at the end of the tunnel is there for me. The question is, do I want to catch it? Is there something else at the end of the tunnel? Is there the ghost of my super-ego or perhaps the key to an imaginary paradise? Still no answer. Not scientific nor esoteric. I must admit, even I surprised myself this time. I usually stressed about not knowing things but now I just don’t care too much… These days were less torture than the days before, than the year before. I managed to unlock the dark box of repressed thoughts and I am searching for them. But why am I so afraid of me being me? Why do I feel so unlovable? Why is my perception clouded so much? My ability to detach is remarkable, but right now, whenever I discover something I have to write it down because my mind represses it and I forget about it in the next minutes. I can’t rationalize. I feel chained. I feel the spiral of negativity again but I am not tempted to enter it too soon… or ever. I am very smart but sometimes I think I am too smart to handle myself and I start doubting everything… things seem bad. My perception is too clouded. No… this is not normal… no… I can’t be this person. People like me don’t live nice lives… people like me barely have families or stability… I want stability. I can’t reach it. Why can’t I? Why am I so unlovable? Why? Why do I always have to manipulate? Why is the manipulation theme representative for my life? Why do I always have to be the bad guy? Why? I am too scared to admit that I am too scared of myself. I don’t want this person to be me. If I overcome my vulnerabilities… I don’t know what I will do. Why is manipulating people my trait? Why don’t I have other talents like painting or dancing? Why is speaking with a forked tongue my quality? I am just a snake. I can’t deny it anymore. I am a snake… and I lost the most important person from my life because I couldn’t be a snake.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s